jump scare: change

I remember crying over the way our landscapers changed a bush once when I was a kid.

Yes, this highlights my emotional regulation issues (thanks ADHD) but it also points to my pure hatred of change.

I have spent about 93% of my life fighting against change. (I did the math)

I have kicked and screamed and yelled.

I have clung to jobs, friends, relationships, and situations that God was telling me to let go of.

Change often comes with pain. There is very real grief that comes with leaving behind different seasons of your life. Those emotions deserve space to be felt.

There is also a reason for change.

As believers, we are in a constant state of being refined. Life is a constant cycle of the Lord breaking us in order to reshape us more like Christ. Those breaking parts are going to hurt. Sometimes He chooses to do it through a very real ripping of our hearts. But how much better is His plan for us.

This past year of my life has been incredibly hard in the way He has removed and redirected. I feel as though I have had major doors slammed on my face. Maybe even some fingers caught in them. And yet I know that there is a reason for even this.

The tears I have shed have been very real.

I do not want to pretend that the pain this year has brought has been anything other than tragic. I truly have wrestled with grief more this year than any other season of my life. I’ve had to let go of so many things that I called good. But I do know that my God is good. When I can see the plan and when I can’t - He knows.

Everything He has taken out of my hands has been for a purpose. I may not know what that is yet, but I am trusting I will. Even if that is just that I know Him deeper, what better reason could I ask for.