You’re being selfish
The time in my life when I was most suicidal I was also more consumed with myself than ever before. It’s an interesting thought to compare which came first.
The reality is I had an unbearable amount of pain in my life for a human (hint: not for God), and no, I couldn’t control some of my circumstances. But choosing to continue focusing on myself only left me sinking further and further into that spiral of despair.
The things in my life that gave me the most desire to continue going were the areas of my life where I was focused on others and serving.
We aren’t designed to be consumed with ourselves. That reality comes from our choice of sin. We were designed to bring glory to our Creator - living for our selves will inevitably cause us to crumble.
Your circumstances may not be within your control to change. Some of them might be and you aren’t willing to take ownership for that yet. Regardless, you still have control over your focus. We tend to play victim to our minds, when scripture is clear in telling us to take every thought captive. You are not controlled by the thoughts that cross your mind. You are not doomed to focus on your pain eternally. You are able to make the choice to replace a thought with another.
It is incredibly hard to choose to control your thoughts. It is incredibly hard to swallow your own pain and recognize that no one may notice what you are going through. It is incredibly hard to show up for others when you are struggling.
I’m not saying this to dismiss your suffering - I promise I have known pain intimately, I’m saying this because changing my focus from myself to God is what saved my life. Tough love can just feel insensitive when someone hasn’t walked a similar path. I have. Likely mores than you know. There are plenty of parts of my story that I don’t put into words, mostly out of respect for other people involved. But I do know that pit of thinking you cannot continue living the way you are. I know that pit of wondering how you can carry the weight of the pain of your life.
That is how I can say to stop focusing on your life and start focusing on who God is. He put you here for a reason. The pain you are experiencing can have a purpose if you hand it over to Him. Without that depth of darkness I’ve seen, I wouldn’t know God the way I do now.
You feel like no one sees your pain? He does.
You feel like you don’t have control of your life? He does.
You feel like you can’t take anymore? He can.
What you have lived will never be seen and understood by anyone more than it is by Him. There is nothing you are facing that He isn’t aware of. His desire for us to focus Him and to serve come from the goodness of who He is. There is nothing that can overpower the brokenness of this world the way His holiness can. He craves for us to live the way we were designed to because in that alone will we find satisfaction. When your eyes are locked on His goodness, there is nothing this world can take from you that matters.
