MOM, I got a tattoo
I have 5 scars on my body now.
Permanent marks.
I know that they’ll fade, but I also know that my body won’t ever look exactly the same as it did before. Four of the five are from my endometriosis surgeries. One moment my body was mine, the next it felt completely changed. In a lot of ways, I felt permanently changed by that surgery and diagnosis. My body no longer felt like my own.
It has been hard coming to terms with the new marks that I see when I look in the mirror. I know that they don’t all show for other people, but I see them.
It feels a little bit symbolic of endometriosis as a whole. Sure, most of the time others aren’t aware of its impact, but I am. While the diagnosis brings peace and answers in some areas, it has also introduced anxieties and questions in other areas. The minute my pain starts to rise, I begin to panic at the unknown. I fear more trips to the ER, more “just come back if it gets worse”, more pain that feels debilitating. I want to be able to control it.
I ended up getting a tattoo a while after the surgeries. I felt like my skin wasn’t my own anymore and I hated the loss I felt over how permanently it had changed. My tattoo isn’t big or noticeable. But it is a reminder to me that God is good, even in the bad. It is a reminder to me that I am created to praise Him. There is little that I can do, but I can continue to say that “God is good”, even when my life is not.
I have learned a lot about God through this diagnosis already. I’ll be honest - these things weren’t lessons that I wanted to learn. It doesn’t exactly feel fun when God starts to show us areas where we need to grow.
As someone who loves her fake sense of control, this has been hard. It has made me brutally aware of the fact that I cannot even control my own body. At a stage of bartering with God, I tried to use my endometriosis as a “you owe me one” card. THAT was stupid.
The challenges that we face do not make us exempt from God’s plans for us. We tend to think of ourselves as entitled to at least a ‘less painful’ life and use our sufferings to indicate our own self-righteousness. How foolish are we? How foolish am I? Our experiences with suffering should teach us just how much God can use pain to glorify His name. God uses our brokenness and the brokenness of this world to show us just how much sovereignty He has. He holds authority over all the earth. We often say that we believe this, but our actions and attitudes indicate just how little we rest in that truth.
I’m not going to say that His will is akin to floating down a lazy river. If I’m honest, the past few months of my life have felt like I got dropped into white water rafting and the tube popped. But it is in the midst of that much chaos and fear that we can learn just how tightly to cling to Jesus.
I’m not doing it perfectly.
Seriously.
But I think that in this one season, I’m starting to get it a little that I’m not the one in control. And as messed up as my circumstances have felt, I’m learning to be okay with that.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” | Philippians 4:7
