who you are is loved

I can think back over the past 10 years of my life and recognize so many things I tried to change about myself in order to be loved. Some of those were things I decided within my own mind, some of those were things other people told me needed to be changed to be loved.

It breaks my heart to reflect on the younger version of myself who so deeply believed those things.

There are clear lies that I held to that caused damage in the way I viewed myself and the world around me. Most of them correlate to things that were said to me directly, but others were observed and still others were lies I internalized.

I went through 2 different major responses to the way I viewed myself.

The first approach I took for years was to try to alter all the things about myself that I had learned were wrong or too much or not worth loving.

This resulted in years of trying to shrink my personality while constantly failing to do so and then feeling guilt and shame at who I was. It resulted in an eating disorder and significant struggles with how I viewed my body. It resulted in pursuing friendships that did not make me a better person. It resulted in me staying in situations where I was actively being harmed because I viewed that as the best love I was worth and was so desperate for love that I would sacrifice almost anything to keep it.

The second approach also came with great pain as I attempted to reject needing love at all.

The burns I had received over the years led me to a place of hardness where I was so terrified of those experiences repeating that I was convinced I could just be self-sustained and put up walls to keep myself “safe.” In that season I was still attempting to morph who I was to hide and block off the softer parts of my heart in order to feel like I could handle it.

Both seasons were caused by believing lies.

Both left scars.

Neither reflected the way God looks at me.

Healing has brought me through so much. I recognize the things I had spent a long time hating about myself are still loved by the one who created me.

He didn’t make a mistake in making me the way He did.

He doesn’t tolerate me.

He delights in me.

There isn’t a part of who He created me to be that is not made to bring Him glory.

This of course isn’t discussing my sin or brokenness from my nature, but to discuss personality, interests, and sense of self.

Once you find security in being loved by God then you don’t need to live out of fear anymore. I promise this has been a very long journey for me, and there are so many days where the lies still sneak into my mind. I attempt to fight those battles with truth now instead.

Another note that has been deeply instrumental in my own healing has been the people God has placed into my life to genuinely love me as I am. I can name around 10 individuals who have specifically brought such deep healing to my life that their fingerprints will forever be on my heart. Friends who have given me space to be so fully me and have met me with so much love every time.

If the people in your life are not showing you the love of God it is okay to ask Him to provide ones that will. If you are clinging to harmful relationships because you view that as all you are worth I promise that isn’t love, but you are loved more intimately than you could ever imagine.

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