BFTG (best friends through grief)
There is something that I find deeply intimate about friends who walk through grief with you. Grief is a complex emotion and doesn’t happen in any specific timeline. There is such beauty in the assurance that in Heaven God will wipe away every tear, but while we are here there is a reality that grief tends to linger (and sometimes stays for the rest of our lives here).
I am passionate about acknowledging the emotion of grief even in situations where the full term of grief does not qualify. While I plan to expand on that further, this post is focusing on those more tragic events in life that leave lasting marks.
I don’t know where I would be or the person I would be today if it weren’t for the faithful friends who loved on me and saw me during stages of deep grief. I am often humbled at the individuals God placed into my life at just the right times.
Grief is heavy. It is also isolating. When left unseen, grief can often grow — taking us to a dark place with it.
Lessons I’ve learned for the friend who wants to be there:
Reach out. Whether or not they have the capacity to respond or engage, the recognition that someone sees what they are going through is always a comfort.
Communicate. Everyone deals with grief differently — give them the option if they want to process through it or need a distraction. Both bring value.
Follow up. It is easy for the freshness of grief to pass for those not directly impacted by it. For those individuals, however, grief shows its face at funny times. It can mean so much to just send a text a few months later checking in. The acknowledgment of the presence of their grief still can mean so much.
Provide space. Healing isn’t linear. Grief isn’t on a schedule. Giving room for things to be brought to the forefront over and over again can be such a precious gift for friends who feel like they’ve passed their expiration date of grief.
Record and remember dates. Anniversaries of losses or traumas can have profound pain for those battling grief. It isn’t natural to remember those dates when you are not the one effected. Just a simple note on your calendar, however, can do so much to help a friend not feel so alone on those days.
Show up however you can. I don’t want you to view this as too much work. I have a friend who is hours away who in times of grieving, I realistically cannot drive to to show up for her. On the times where I can, then, I want to make sure I do. From a distance I still have other little things I can do. Reaching out to the people who are in closer proximity and asking them to do things on your behalf can be meaningful. Ask someone who can be there to do those small acts for you like picking up flowers. Your love can still reach them even if you can’t. Similarly, if she reaches out while battling those emotions, I can take the steps I am able to do to make sure she feels loved on by me - even from a distance.
Love in their love language. Beyond just loving someone in a season of grief, I am passionate about understanding love languages in order to accurately communicate love to others. In cases of grief especially then it can be so important to make sure the way you are choosing to love them is the way they experience love.
Recognize not all of their emotional reactions are personal. Going through seasons of grief is exhausting. It can be so wholly draining and can pull to the surface some deeply ugly reactions. You don’t always get a gold star for stepping into that mess with someone else. Sometimes their reactions can feel unfair. Showing mercy and holding space to understand why they are really reacting the way they are reacting can be one of the most loving things you can do.*
Ensure they aren’t alone. Handling grief is hard. Handling grief alone is dangerous. Making sure that the friend has a support system in place can be so impactful. Of course, it is a gift to offer that space with you, but even when that isn’t taken, just making sure they do have others processing with them can mean so much. It doesn’t have to be you they turn to, but make sure they have someone.
The Bible tells us to “weep with those who weep.” In my own experience, the friends who have done that for me have held the most precious places in my heart. It isn’t always easy to do, and in healthy situations the grieving party will often recognize that later. I have been brought to tears by friends who just sent that text at the exactly right time, or friends who just showed up even though what I had to offer wasn’t fun. How beautiful is it when we get chances to love on others the way Christ loves on us.
*This is not to condone a disregard for boundaries - that will just need to be a whole different post. I have to remind myself at times I can’t cover everything in one post and that’s okay.
